Why Fifty Shades of Grey Sucks

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The title of the book comes from a quote by Christian Grey, "I'm fifty shades of fucked up." Ain't that the truth. It's a fantasy novel which glorifies an abusive relationship. But, don't worry - it's just a fantasy. It took me forever to get through this monstrously awful book, finally resorting to finishing the rest on an audio narration at 2x normal speed.

Some of my pet peeves - just no comprehension about how the real world works. There are no free massages in the First Class Lounge, speaking from experience of someone who has flown around the world a few times. With a couple of exceptions, rare scattered massage offerings on select airlines, far from the "norm." First Class lounges are typically some comfy chairs, WiFi, maybe some finger food and, if you're very lucky some free booze. The better ones have showers and nice restrooms. Unless you are bouncing from country to country, the lounge is nearly useless as you'll only be in there for an hour or two between connections.

A flight attendant woke her up to serve orange juice. That's just wrong on so many levels. I have never experienced being woken up for any reason other than landing, or theoretically crashing. If someone wakes you up during a flight it means the flight is about to come to an end within the next 15 to 20 minutes. In First Class, if you want orange juice you simply flag someone down and ask for it. If you are sleeping, you are automatically excluded from meal service unless you have given instructions to the contrary. If the flight attendant wakes you, your flight is about to end.

Business ethics. Christian Grey demands random drug testing from all of his employees. Yea, right. That might fly for construction workers and those in charge of public safety. But, ask businessmen to pee in a cup every month and you'll find yourself with a lot of employee turn-over. It's expensive. When asked if he ever had sex with any of his office staff, Christian Grey became indignant - How can you ask me that? I would never work with anyone I've had a personal relationship with - except for Ana, whom he was pressuring to come work for him. Again, yea right. It would have been respectable to say "Rules are meant to be broken" rather than having such conflicted convictions.

The CEO of a large corporation is more likely to blow off steam on the weekends as a submissive, not a dominant. After you're finished making decisions, barking out orders for the staff, and moving millions of dollars around, it's far more relaxing to let someone else take charge for a while. Slave contracts, forms, negotiations - not often done, counter-productive, and a real mood killer. In fact, if Ana had not expressed an interest in being a submissive, Christian would not have even found her to be attractive. He certainly wouldn't spend so much time and energy trying to corrupt a virgin (really?) and you know you're reading a woman's fantasy novel when he makes such a point over condoms and blood testing. For crying out loud, if you're worried STD's do the testing once, stay monogamous, and be done with it.

Punishment for rolling her eyes: a severe spanking. That's just abusive. Submissives enjoy being spanked. It would be more likely that a sub would instigate the situation, not be a victim. It is the sub who sets the limits and it's often the dom who is in service, depending on how you look at it. To inflict unwanted pain as punishment is out of character for a bdsm relationship and, again, just abusive. An eye roll merits no more than a timeout in any event.

Naturally he's a pilot as well. Of course he is - knows how to fly helicopters and gliders. If you're a CEO, it's doubtful you have time to keep your skills as a pilot up to date, assuming you had the time to learn in the first place. Large corporations often have issues with the CEO piloting a plane. Life insurance companies have issues with it as well, often driving up premiums for both the pilot as well as the corporation. Corporations may even have policies to prohibit the CEO flying with other directors on the same commercial flight, just in case.

The whole relationship was just so contrived. These two would never have met in the real world. A kinky CEO would be more likely to seek out someone his own age, with more in common, rather than be forced to deal with a bratty virgin. Even more likely he would be more inclined to simply hire a mistress on the weekend and keep his playtime brief before getting back to work. And, he certainly wouldn't have shown off his "play room" accidentally.

I can't believe they've made a second movie out of this series. It's difficult enough to swallow it in book form. Do yourselves a favor. Want to know more about bdsm? Don't believe anything you've read in Fifty Shades of Grey. Find yourself a copy of the popular book, Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns. That's about the closest you'll come without visiting your local dungeon.